My Ranking Points
Hey guys! Today I just gathered all of the chapters written so far into one post, and added a bit more.
Neveah blinked, her eyes fuzzy and her head pounding. Where was she? She was an enormous bed, pink sheets and pink covers on top of her. Neveah sat up in the pink bed. On the walls of the room were enormous murals of fairy tale endings, True Love’s Kiss, beautiful princes beating back hideous beasts. Footsteps echoed in the halls. Neveah lay back down and closed her eyes pretending to be asleep. The door slammed open, and Neveah cracked an eye open. A girl with lush blonde hair cascading down her back had came into the room. She was wearing a short pink dress, flowers decorating her hair and shoulders. Her feet were encased in pink glass high heels, and the delicate tiara on her head made Neveah ask herself if maybe she was in a castle of some sort. The girl seemed to not notice Neveah in her bed, and clacked around the room in her high heels, busying herself with what looked like tidying up the room. Finally she turned to Neveah, now sitting up, both eyes wide open and watched the girls’ every movement. “Oh, you’re the new student! Hello! Oh my God, I’m so excited! I’ve never got a new student in my room before! I’m one of your room mates. Dovey assigned me as your guide. Oh! Um, my name is Rosilla, and our other two roommates are Colline and Jade. Um, are you okay?” Neveah had been staring at Rosilla the whole time she was talking, her jaw dropping more and more. This girl was speaking gibberish! Who was Dovey? Where was she? Why did she need a guide? Rosilla needed to slow down and explain what was actually happening. “Where am I?” Neveah managed to croak. Rosilla gave her a confused look. “Don’t you know? You’re at the School for Good.” *** Neveah sat open mouthed in her first class at the School for Good. Beautification. Her teacher, Professor Emma Anemone had wild neon yellow hair, a blindingly pink dress, and from what Neveah has gathered from the lecture she had given, was obsessed with being the prettiest. Neveah closed her mouth and looked around her, the other Evergirls furiously taking notes. As if they need to be any more beautiful. Neveah thought. The Evergirls she was surrounded by had waists so tiny Neveah could fit her hands around them, hair so long and thick she could make it into a rope, and their faces…. They were more beautiful than anything than Neveah had ever seen. She looked down at her own form. A thick waist, fat feet that could barely fit into her glass high heels, and an **** birthmark near her thumb was what met her eyes. She didn’t have to look in the mirror to know she didn’t look at all like the Evergirls. She felt the ends of her short, choppy hair and sighed. Pulling out a piece of parchment and a quill, she started to take notes. Later that day, Neveah took her tray of rice pilaf, red bean paste, and strawberry ice cream and walked around, looking for someplace to sit. She saw Rosilla sitting with four other girls. Rosilla was madly waving her over, so Neveah turned her feet in Rosilla’s direction. “Neveah! Neveah! Omg guys this is the girl I told you about. Um, Neveah, meet Colline and Jade, our roomates.” Colline, a tall girl with waist length blonde hair and green eyes waved. So did Jade, an Asian looking girl. She was short and had shoulder length black hair, and darker eyes. Rosilla talked on. ”These are my other two friends, Tiia and Camille, they are in the room just across the hall, and we have sleepovers all the time! Eee, omg its so fun. Hey Tiia maybe we can do another one and Neveah can come! That would be so fun! We could-” Rosilla never stopped talking. Neveah quickly ate her food, wishing Rosilla would shut up, and went back for seconds of ice cream. When she came back Rosilla and her friends were gone. Neveah shoved the ice cream in her mouth and hurried off to the next class. That night, laying in her perfect pink bed, neveah thought of the day. She was tired. She didn’t even get past lunch before she drifted off. Darkness. Then suddenly. A blinding light. Neveah stumbled back, shielding her eyes from the burning light. A figure was coming out of it. His arms outstretched to her. An ethereal voice reached her ears… “Neveah….. Come to me… Set me free…” Neveah blinked. “Who are you?” “Your hero… And worst enemy.” With the last word, his form changed and he snarled, leaping at her with razor sharp nails outstretched. Gasping for breath Neveah sat up, cold sweat pouring all down her body. She untangled herself from the sheets and ran to the bathroom. She gazed at her self in the mirror. Something was behind her. Neveah blinked. It was gone. *** Neveah was already awake when Rosilla and her other roommates woke up. She couldn’t go back to sleep after her dream last night. She was up all night thinking about it, and wondering if she should tell somebody about it. Did dreams come true in the fairytale world? Neveah hoped not. At lunch that day, after loading her tray with rice, steamed greens, brisket, and a few honey crepes, Neveah found Rosilla and sat down at her table. She decided to casually bring up the subject of her dream. “Soo, um, did you have a dream last night?” Jade raised her eyebrow at Neveah and went back to picking at her rice. Rosilla gushed out: “OMG yessss. How did you know? It was the best. Dream. EVER! So, do you know Chiran? Everboy, tan skin, blue eyes, dark hair, seafoam green fingerglow, Valor 47?” She giggled dizzily. “I dreamed that he picked me to be his date for the Snow Ball. Gosh, do you know that the Snow Ball is only THREE. MONTHS. AWAY. I’m never going to get a date!” She stuffed the rest of her honey crepe in her mouth and stomped away. Jade looked at her like Rosilla’s fit was here fault, and followed her roommate. Well Rosilla and her roommates would be of no help to her. *** As Neveah was hurriedly running up the stairs to Dean Doveys office, a boy came racing down and knocked Neveah down. A smooth voice reached her ears as a strong arm pulled her up. “My God, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there. Forgive me. My name is Chiran.” The boy said before bowing and kissing her hand. Neveah pulled her hand away and wiped it on her skirt. Something was off. Chiran wrinkled his brow and hurried off. It was after he was out of sight that Neveah realized. Chiran’s voice matched exactly to the one in her dream. She gasped and ran two stairs at a time up to Dovey’s office. She forced the door open. Dovey was sitting at her desk and jumped when Neveah opened the door. “Dean Dovey! Can dreams come true in the fairytale world?” Dovey looked confused as she replied: “Why yes dear. Think of Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty, all those princesses. They all dreamed of their princes, and look at them now, Happily Ever Afters and…” Neveah couldn’t hear the rest of what Dovey was saying because her mind kept replaying what Chiran had said: “My name is Chiran.” And what he had said her her dream. “Your hero… and worst enemy.” *** Neveah sat up in her bed that night, replaying the events of that afternoon. Did Chiran really want to… kill her? He had seemed so nice. But people were always hiding something, wether it was something big or little. In Neveah’s case, absolutely enormous. She was scared of this school, of fairytales come true, and of the mere thought of the dream she had last night. A cloaked figure. Razor sharp claws… reaching for her… Neveah slid out of bed, shivering as her feet hit the cold marble floor. She walked to the bathroom and looked into it. Did she really belong here? With her not being anything like anyt. of the other students combined with her not actually knowing why she was here made her wonder. A soft voice met her ears. “You should get some sleep.” Neveah saw that in the mirror that Jade was sitting up in her bed. She shook her short black hair out of her face and got out of her bed. She walked over to where Neveah was standing by the bathroom. She put a hand on Neveah’s shoulder and gave her a small smile. “Come on. Let’s go back to sleep.” Jade steered Neveah back to her bed. “We have History of Heroes testing tomorrow.” Jade left for her own bed. When she got in, Neveah waited awhile, then when she thought Jade was sleeping, she said “Thanks Jade.” She didn’t expect to hear an answer from her roommate. “You’re welcome.” ***
This is really good! However, there is a lot of plot holes, why is she suddenly in beautification after sitting on a pink bed moments before? Tag me though, this is interesting!
Thanks for the tips! I’ll tag you. I was kinda in a hurry, so I didn’t get to space it well, but there’s actually three and a half chapters in here. Each of the *** is separating the chapters. Sorry if it was a bit confusing, I’ll try to make it better! Overall, thanks a lot for the criticism, it helps me become a better writer!
Sorry I didn’t reply sooner, I haven’t been on here in a while. But I really like it!