emerald886

Member Since

18th March, 2020

My Ranking Points

350
    emerald886 posted an update in the group RP Level 0: The Clearing 1 year ago

    Hi everyone this is the 1st chapter if you have any ideas on what to name the story comment it 🙂
    Tags
    @INDIGOSKY12
    @ELVIAOFCAMELOT
    @BEACHBIONIC
    @EVERGIRL391
    CHAPTER 1 THE LETTER
    *EVIE*
    ”Posture!” ”If you want to be queen your posture needs to be straight” shouted Granny Lila ”sorry gran i’m just so excited about when my letter will arrive from the school for good and evil” replied Evie ”very well dear class is finished.” Evie ran up the red and gold stairs to her room . She then ran to her massive wardrobe and changed out of her school gown and into her favourite gown, she then ran down the stairs and finnaly stopped and waited by the postbox. Her mother Snow White came outside to join her where they chatted for a bit then her mum had to go in. Evie waited there for what felt like ages but was really only 5 minutes when finally she saw a man coming up to her ”are you Evie of Maidenville” asked the man in a loud voice ”Yes” replied Evie ”well this is for you” said the man ” thank you and goodbye” she called after his as he walked away ”finally” she said to herself. Evie ran back inside and sat down at the dining table with her parents and gran she knew they were just as eager to see what was inside the letter. Evie opened it and was about to read it out when she suddenly fainted. Luckily her father caught her just before she was about to bang her head on the floor, when they finnaly managed to awake Evie they told her to read the letter ”it can’t be that bad” said her mother.”ok i’ll read it” said Evie ”the school for good and Evil invites you to join the nevers room: Malice 07 yours sincerely The school master.”

        effie replied 1 year ago

        I like it! Very surprising. However, it’s kind of rushed. I think it would help it you broke it into paragraphs and added a bit more detail. I could help you, if you like.

          emerald886 replied 1 year ago

          Ok thanks for your criticism it’s very helpful and if you wanted to work together that would be great 🙂

          beachbionic replied 1 year ago

          Yes…I agree, a bit rushed. NO OFFENCE WAS MEANT THAT WAS GREAT

          effie replied 1 year ago

          I might be able to work with you. I don’t know, though, I have way too many stories going on.

        evergirl391 replied 1 year ago

        Ooh suspenseful.
        One writing tip for you: In the English language, When someone says something and then someone else says something it has to be on a different line, for example
        “Did you do your homework?” Said James
        “Yes! I did it last night!” Exclaimed Shaya
        I know that wasn’t a great example but do you see what I mean?
        Anyways this is an awesome story!

          emerald886 replied 1 year ago

          thanks that’s very helpful 🙂

        evergirl391 replied 1 year ago

        Your welcome! Glad I was able to help!

          aliceross4 replied 1 year ago

          your story is amazing. I like the twist. If you slowed it down, it would be even better!

          cocostar replied 8 months, 2 weeks ago

          *You’re

        thestoriangirl replied 1 year ago

        It’s amazing, but I agree, it’s a bit rushed, and there are some run on sentences. Other then that, I love it! Please tag me <3

        thestoriangirl replied 1 year ago

        Also maybe the story should be called Supposedly a Never?

          indigosky12 replied 1 year ago

          @emerald886, maybe you can take time to carefully describe something to slow the events down a tiny bit. I know this works because i did the same thing as you did when i was a tiny bit smalle :))

        elviaofcamelot replied 1 year ago

        This is really good, I do agree with what everyone else is saying tho. Tag me please

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