My Ranking Points
So off to Dionysus we went, through the trees, bushes, and bees and other things that I’d rather not mention, let’s just say that you should be lucky to be a normal mortal. Why are there even bees on Mt. Olympus? Wasn’t there anything else we coulda put up here? Butterflies maybe? I mentally questioned. But, alas, we just kept on trekking. No matter how hard it got. I needed Ares to be fixed. Why? Honestly, I have no idea, but I knew that if I didn’t fix him, Apollo would somehow find a way to point the blame back to me. I knew we were getting close because I could hear singing, dancing, and music. It was getting louder and louder, Ares started up again, saying, “This is a jolly good party,” but it came out sounding like nonsense to me.
“Since when did you start speaking nonsense?” This time, I felt confuzzled on another level.
“Ich spreche Deutsch und Englisch.”
“I have no idea what you just said.”
“Kannst du einfach anhalten und den moment genießen?”
“Nope, not a clue.”
With everyone talking, laughing, and enjoying the moment, I couldn’t think. What was Ares saying? One minute I could understand him, but the next I could not. I wanted, no, needed, to know what this strange gibberish was. Desperately, I wanted to go fix Ares but then I decided to leave and tell Zeus what had happened.
“Zeus! Zeus!” I cried out, semi out of breath, my winged sandals had ran me into more trees then I’d like to admit before they dropped me headfirst into a nest of rabid bunnies, not a pretty sight. I sprinted/limped towards Zeus as fast as I could and came to Zeus at last.
“Comment vas-tu aujourd’hui Hermès?” Zeus smiled and was surprised to see the shock on my face.
“Hera!” (Zeus’s wife, in case you didn’t know. Queen of fussiness, the smoky eye look, and birds with some **** butts. Oh yeah, not to mention the Greek Gods in general.) “Hera! Where are you?” I practically screeched, skipping the length of the palace (don’t judge, it’s how my sandals recharge. Apollo cursed them to be that way, the fiery ball of gas).
“Qué es?” asked Hera.
“Nolite quaeso te ut mota insania?” shouted all of the other gods.
“Arrrrgh!” Annoyed, I yelled and kicked Hera in the back with all of my might, thinking that something had to come out of it. (Looking back on this, I’m starting to realize that maybe kicking people isn’t exactly a good idea… especially all powerful gods who would zap you into the Milky Way without a second thought.) Just like that, a small, little, circular, yellowish, glowing thing popped out of her mouth.
“That’s what I call Spanish, you bald burpy.” Hera spun around and looked at me.
I was completely dumbfounded, but that didn’t stop me, “What’s Spanish? And who are you calling bald?!”
“Well, I don’t really know what Spanish is, but we can make it happen,” Hera gave me a look of warning, telling me not to doubt her or I would be preyed on by a flock of very angry peacocks and cows.
Zeus, of course, was concerned, but I kicked him too without any hesitation whatsoever (again, starting to realize that I was being slightly idiotic). I thought it was really weird, but kicking them in the back stopped them from speaking gibberish. Standing up tall, I commanded Zeus and Hera to kick everybody in the backs.
We got Axomamma, the goddess of potatoes, to put all the little yellow specks into a *** of potatoes and stir it up (cue: polka music). There were 6909 different pots full of potatoes, one for every language. Once they were all in, Zeus gave the order to make it rain potatoes from a *** filled with the language they called Greek. We watched as all the mortals looked up at the heavens, seeing it rain potatoes, took big bites, and started to speak Greek.
Just then, Ares came into the cloud that we were all having a party on to celebrate our new invention (your welcome), and asked Zeus, “Kann ich jetzt meinen Krieg machen?” When you kicked him it translated to, “Can I do my war now?”
“Sure, do it over there,” Zeus pointed to a large area full of wild beasts.
All was well and Ares got his war and it lasted five whole monk-ey years (don’t ask).