My Ranking Points
I don’t know so: bit of a trigger warning.
I’m just bored, feeling a little bit down (okay maybe I’m just having a mental breakdown but whatever)
But like just staring at the scars on my leg, or the bruises on my arms, I don’t know what to feel anymore. Should I even be able to feel anymore?
Life’s been strangely uneventful these days.
I’ve hated the people everyone loved, loved the people everyone judged. I’ve matured, my masks have stiffened. I’ve gone through pretty much a toxic quarantine and summer on the internet, and in real life. I did naturally what one would do: I lied. I lied and I lied and I lied- I waited to be naturally faded.
Had I faded in fear of not being because I’ve hated and disliked the people everyone has loved so ever dearly? Yes.
Had I faded because I’ve never really had a secure position among those who I wished to be with so much that I don’t want to be with anymore? Yes.
Had I faded in drowned efforts of trying so hardly to be noticed or cared about only to be told it was myself who had to try harder? Yes.
I hate to admit, but thanks to those I still care so much about, I have been silenced. I have a voice no longer among the people of this site. Was it partially my own fault? Perhaps. Fully my own fault? Absolutely not. I don’t know what went down. I joined these people in the wishes of staying there for a long long time, yet I’ve left them- I’ve no longer a voice to speak to them with. Because, subconsciously or not, they have silenced me. I’m a people pleaser- I’d go at extreme lengths to get just some positive reaction from someone, I’ve crushed myself, my own, true thoughts in the hopes of fitting in, in the hopes of making inside jokes and old memories that they often talked so much about. I’ve silenced my heart- they’ve silenced my voice, all that is left of me is the empty thoughts repeating in my mind.
I can’t bring myself to describe anything I’ve went through, no matter how traumatic.
They will never know my pain. They won’t ever understand. They won’t try looking at the world from my eyes. They will never know a life of water and pills, a life of cutting, a life of abuse. They won’t ever know why I cannot stand the least forms of ignorance or exclusion. They only apologise and move on to forget. Is it really my fault for no trying hard enough after having the courage every time to bring up that I couldn’t stand it so because of my past?
I have this unyielding urge to just pour everything from my heart out- but I can’t. I don’t know how to. My voice won’t make sounds, my heart would give no directions but waves of pain- old and new. It leaves my head wondering in my own void, in my own Deep Place- wondering when my suffering will end.
When will it end anyways?
Would it be life, who so graciously takes my pain away, closes my eyes with gentle hands and a cold breath?
Or would it be myself, finally, finally slipping off of the edge that I had so painfully yet prettily crafted for myself?
I am living on the edge, my heart is gone, voice is gone- when would it be that my thoughts are gone too? When my breath is gone too?
I can only be excited and scared to see that day come, perhaps if it doesn’t, I will make it come.
I definitely will.
I don’t know you very well. But please, know that you matter. Know that I miss you a lot, even though I don’t know you that well. On discord, I miss your logical thinking, with a touch of sarcasm, (the good kind). I miss your jokes, your face reveals. I miss you. Please don’t leave us. I wish I could say more, but I don’t know what to say that would make you feel different, because again, I don’t know you very well. But please, please, please, don’t leave this world. You have people who love you. We love you.
Shade, we love you so much. I hope you’ve seen it. Even when things have gotten tough for all of us, I’ve always seen a bit of hope in you. You’ve always been there to help us individually. To check on us when we need help. It’s really hard to see such an AMAZING person go through what you go through.
I love you SO much.
Never forget how special you are, even when you feel like garbage.
(Sorry dude that sounded so cliche but actually)
Shade, don’t do it. I get it if you feel silenced and faded but everyone would be crushed if you left us all. You have no idea how much you mean to us all and you leaving us all would be crushing. Please don’t. That’s all I can say. Please don’t.
It may feel sosososoosooo very ******* different levels every day of the week, but it WILL get better. I still may not know for sure, but people have shown me hope that it will. I trust them that it will.
I hope you know that it will.
Because if you left this world for good, I don’t know if I’d be able to deal with it.
I’ll feel like I gave up.
Like I didn’t help enough.
I guess we all will.
But it’s not about us.
YOU MATTER SO DARN MUCH ******
There is hope. There is always hope. You will escape your masks and cages and disguises one day. And not through death. Through life. Through true, real living. I know you may hate me. But I will never stop believing you matter.
I don’t know you well, but there are people who care about you. Please, don’t leave. I don’t understand what you’re going through as I have never gone through them. But just remember, we still love you. You matter to people who love you for who you are.
Remember, you mean so much to those who love you,even if you might not feel like it<333