My Ranking Points
“Breakfast,” my maid says as she is pulling back my lace curtains. I sit up and take the breakfast tray off my nightstand and put in on my lap. When I’m done, my maid leaves the room with the tray, so I can get dressed. I open my huge closet and walk in. The dress that I’m looking for is very specific. Today, I need one of my knee length mint green dresses and my strappy black flats. I go over to my mint green dresses and start at the knee length end. I find the dress I want and get my flats. I’m now ready for company.
I head down the grand stairway and into the ballroom where my mother and father seem to be having an argument. I quickly duck back outside the door but stay there so I can listen.
“I’m feeling guilty” my father says.
“You can’t feel guilty about what happened. It was your choice” my mother says.
“Well, I made the wrong choice letting you do it.”
“You, wish you never had me do it, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Well, you hired me as you mistress and you needed some way to get rid of her. It was a win win.”
“No it was not. I lost my loving wife because of you.”
“Your wife never loved you. You should be happy that I killed the real Emily Emerald and you know why. Because your real wife was a ********
“Don’t call her that.”
I don’t hear anything else because I’m numb with shock. The woman I called mom turned out to be some murderer. I run back of the stairs with tears welling up. I unlock my room and run to the very back of my closet.
About a hour later my “mom” comes in and says “Darling, want to play tea cakes.”
I come out and say “I don’t want to do anything with a murderer.”
Her face contorts in fury and her hand lashes out and grabs my collar. She presses a button on the side of the wall that opens a hatch to the dungeon. She throws me down it and yells “If you survive the dungeon I’ll let you live in exile for the rest of you life.” She closes the hatch and sashays away.
This is great! Try to incorporate more of Eliana’s thoughts and emotions- like how does it make her feel that her ‘mom’ is actually a murderer. Other than that, it was really good! 🙂
Wow! I agree with @hesterisqueen though, so try to add more description