My Ranking Points
” Thea, Thea listen to me you stupid girl!” Princess Thea whirled round to see her Father staring at her with wide, desperate eyes, deep, irreversible worry lines etched into his once youthful face. Tears streamed down her cheeks, stinging like acid. Outside, the small world that the Princess had known for twelve, long years was crumbling before her very eyes, every brick torn savagely out of place.
” Father, please!” she begged “What’s happening? I don’t understand!” The prospect of an attack on her Kingdom was always lingering in the air, like the odour of a rotting corpse. Thea, being the Princess and, well, a girl, had no say in the affairs that were discussed inside the castle grounds, her only source of information a lowly servant boy. The same servant boy who was now sprawled motionless in the courtyard, a pool of crimson liquid lying beneath him. Thea sobbed in despair; how had her seemingly perfect life turned dark and treacherous in a mere second? King Phillip let out a strangled cry that caused Thea to snap out of her depressing trance. Gazing in horror at the shining, silver point of metal jutting out of his chest, she rushed to his side, tears running like a raging river down her fair face.
” Daddy?” she whispered “Daddy, please answer me!” Hysteria began to rise in her throat, clouding her whole mind, rendering her motionless. Her attempt, as she later realised, was worthless; King Phillip was already dead.
I thinks it’s a great story, beautifully written. I have no “constructive criticism”.
It’s really great. 😀 Keep on writing!
If you really want constructive criticism, I’d say: don’t over complicate your sentences. Sometimes, a simple structure is much more effective. You could achieve much more if you reigned it in and used wordplay to maximum effect. Instead of,
“A pool of Crimson liquid,” how about, “his life bleeding away into the ground.” Be less literal: be imaginative! I know, when you have so much vocabulary, it’s hard not to just let loose. But too many words can spoil a great sentence. “Tears running like a raging river down her fair face.” Wow. I’m impressed. But two impressive descriptions? The sentence would be better with one. “Her fair face drenched in tears,” or “rivers of tears running down her face.” Either way, try to shorten your description. One last example: “King Phillip let out a strangled cry that caused Thea to snap out of her depressing trance.” You need to lose the strangled. Or, I think you could do without the depressing. Either that, or phrase it in a different way. Like, instead of “depressing trance,” try, “King Philip let out a strangled cry, jolting her back to reality.” Whatever you choose, if you shorten your sentences and play a bit more with your words, you could make some pretty amazing chapters.
Don’t take this badly: you asked, so I thought I’d just try and help you improve. You’re already really good.
But no matter how good you are, there’s always a chance to be fantastic. 😉
Oh! I forgot. Have you heard of, “show, not tell?” Well, I think this is something you could work on. For example, we know that she’s depressed from your great story and description. So don’t say, “depressed trance.” Just talk about the event. Or her reaction. It’s much more creative and interesting to read if you imply that she’s depressed. Random E.g:
“He snapped out of his miserable thoughts.”
Instead, “He jolted upright, his face a mess of tears.”
Here, you KNOW he’s miserable because of the tears. No need for that adjective. Just remember: if there’s a word that doesn’t work, don’t put it in!
See what I mean? 🙂 Anyway, I’m looking forward to seeing more of your writing. I hope you can find new ways to improve no matter how good you get. 😉
You should become an author when you grow up. I would love to read more of your stories.