theno-1princess

Member Since

8th April, 2016

My Ranking Points

255
    theno-1princess posted an update in the group RP Level 0: The Clearing 4 years, 9 months ago

    Whoever reads my story, i’d love some “constructive criticism” as my English teacher puts it.

        rosethorn11 replied 4 years, 9 months ago

        sure!!

        athene replied 4 years, 9 months ago

        The only thing I can think of is that after quotation marks (but before the words) you don’t need a space, just go right into the word. Other than that, I can’t really find any faults. 😉

        tutlion2 replied 4 years, 9 months ago

        I can’t find any faults either!

          arian2 replied 4 years, 9 months ago

          It’s really great. 😀 Keep on writing!
          If you really want constructive criticism, I’d say: don’t over complicate your sentences. Sometimes, a simple structure is much more effective. You could achieve much more if you reigned it in and used wordplay to maximum effect. Instead of,
          “A pool of Crimson liquid,” how about, “his life bleeding away into the ground.” Be less literal: be imaginative! I know, when you have so much vocabulary, it’s hard not to just let loose. But too many words can spoil a great sentence. “Tears running like a raging river down her fair face.” Wow. I’m impressed. But two impressive descriptions? The sentence would be better with one. “Her fair face drenched in tears,” or “rivers of tears running down her face.” Either way, try to shorten your description. One last example: “King Phillip let out a strangled cry that caused Thea to snap out of her depressing trance.” You need to lose the strangled. Or, I think you could do without the depressing. Either that, or phrase it in a different way. Like, instead of “depressing trance,” try, “King Philip let out a strangled cry, jolting her back to reality.” Whatever you choose, if you shorten your sentences and play a bit more with your words, you could make some pretty amazing chapters.
          Don’t take this badly: you asked, so I thought I’d just try and help you improve. You’re already really good.
          But no matter how good you are, there’s always a chance to be fantastic. 😉

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